The Journey of Leaving the Company I Built: My Decision-Making Process

I have not written about what is going on in my personal life on this blog; however, I want to share this story, which I originally published on Medium, because I was scared to post it on this blog. I am not entirely sure who reads this blog, and if any direct family or friends from the other perspective check in on this blog, or my social platforms. This is not an easy story to tell; it is about being overworked, lost, and tired. This has been available for the Medium audience for a year; I felt it was time to share it here as well.

I am proud of all the progress I have made in the last two years, up from the moment I decided there must be more to life than working your ass off for no income. This story starts in early 2023. Get yourself something to drink and continue reading.

Writing about myself is the most difficult part of being a blogger. I have a lot to say about the things I love, such as books, movies, music, and other things that pique my interest, but sitting down and talking about my life seems very uncomfortable. I have always wondered how lifestyle bloggers manage to do it, how they can write so openly about their daily lives. When I set out to write, I was thinking of writing about introducing myself to the Medium audience. It turned out my progress towards a different life was more pressing to share, as it also tells you something about me.

Uncomfortable has been my state of mind while I made life-changing decisions. I am a 38-year-old woman, and I have been an entrepreneur for six years. In October 2023, I decided to leave the company I had built together with my sister. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

I have put all my hours, heart, and soul into that company, only to conclude that my bank account was empty, my relationship with my partner got strained, and I was on the brink of burnout. My family told me to stick with the company, that if I wanted to do something else, I should have figured that out before I started the company, and that there was no way I could leave this company.

The voices of my family (my blood) were stronger than those coming from the ones trying to help me, such as my partner, doctor, and therapist. For as long as I can remember, I have always done what other people demanded of me, living in the service of others. This was an unconscious process, one I have only become aware of when I started to put myself first. All the decisions I have made until October 2023 were to help others, and not myself. The result was that I was completely drained, just an empty shell of a woman.

My process did not start in October 2023, although it was the moment I broke loose from my bonds. It started at least a year earlier. I have been fighting with my sister since the start of the company, something I ignored for years. The fights got worse over the years, to the point that I could not ignore the fights any longer. Especially when the fights started happening in my own house, and I was not feeling safe in my own home.

I called in the help of a business coach, hoping that our company visions could be aligned again. I made a deal with myself that if that process failed, I would leave the company, as it felt like the only option left.

After one of the more intense fights this was, I think at the beginning of 2023, I realized I needed help. Besides the business coach, to help our company. I went to my local doctor and talked to the practice assistant. I am not entirely sure if that is the correct word for the person who tried to steer me in the right direction. His method did not work for me; it repelled me from going. I started researching to see what was wrong with me. Up to this point, it was unclear to me why I felt this way, why I was so stuck in life.

I started listening to podcasts and bought some books to see if I could find out what was wrong with me. One podcast in particular, the Positive Psychology podcast, a Dutch podcast, I started listening to because I was told, "I had such a negative outlook on life and business." This podcast discusses a wide range of topics in the mental health spectrum. Dealing with loss, creating positive routines, being diagnosed with PDD-NOS, self-love, and much more.

The one topic that was discussed on an episode was growing up with a narcissistic parent. This episode hit me in the face like a truck; a lot of things clicked into place for me. This is the scary bit of this article, as narcissism is misused in many situations. It is easily thrown around by the media, where the full weight of what it means is left up to the imagination. That is the problem: when you have never had to deal with this kind of communication style, you are damn lucky, but you will also not see the toxic patterns that are at play.

Narcissism is deeply damaging to those who are close to a narcissist, yet it often goes unnoticed by outsiders. From the outside, narcissistic behavior can seem charming, confident, or even admirable. But for those on the receiving end, like me, it is manipulative, controlling, and emotionally destructive.

Once you begin to recognize the subtle patterns, the gaslighting, the lack of empathy, the constant need for validation, you start to see the truth beneath the surface. And once you see it, you can't unsee it. It's like spotting a shape in a cloud—once it looks like a duck, it's impossible to see anything else.

This put a lot of things in perspective for me. I started to realize that this was not working for me any longer. When I research a topic, I sometimes go down a rabbit hole, which is what I did. It helped me sort through my emotions, life events, relationships, but also through a lot of behavioural patterns that were once "normal" to me. I have consumed a lot of the works by the leading expert in this field, dr. Ramani Duvarsula, read various books on this topic, but also on trauma development and how to heal from trauma. The podcast by dr. Ramani Duvarsula is the one who helped them most, especially with healing the deep wounds that I never knew existed.

With the help of a therapist, I realized that things in our family were neither healthy nor safe. The way I grew up explained a lot of the problems I struggled with, the result of growing up in a broken home. A quick side note, at the time, it did not feel to me like I was living under unsafe circumstances. Once you can put things in perspective, the way out of the black hole becomes easier. I was so stuck in the company that I saw no way out. With the help of therapy, I was able to see beyond the veil of doom and found a road out of a very bad environment.

The worst thing about this situation is that when you are in such a deep hole, you don’t know how to get out of it, and this is what keeps you stuck. Honestly, I had been stuck for years. Everything seems black; there is no light at the end of the tunnel. The solutions that others may have are invisible to you.

Every time I tried to climb out of the hole, the people who put me there made their move to keep me there. It messes with your head in such a way that you cannot think clearly. When I finally put myself first, my options became clear. Leaving the company would be the path to healing. This is the best decision I've ever made.

In the last two years, I have given many opportunities to the opposing party to resolve the situation without legal aid, until it became necessary to push for a legally unbinding me from the company. After many discussions, I can finally say that there is an agreement, and the final stages of this legal battle will come to an end. The future looks so much brighter. I have changed so much; I am happier, funnier, more grounded, and peaceful. I could not have imagined this two years ago. Now I am dreaming again of new things, new goals for a life with my partner and chosen family.

If you ever find yourself stuck with no way out of a situation, getting help is the first step of the process towards happiness. Having people around you who believe in you, whom you can lean on, and whom you can trust are essential. I have been very lucky with a partner who has had my back throughout the entire transition. He means the world to me, and I could not have done this without him.

If you recognize yourself in this story, know that you can get out. Take little steps, start with something small, and keep pushing forward. You will find a way out of the blackness and into the light. It will be hard work, but nothing is impossible.

I hope this inspires someone to take those first steps, too, towards the life you choose.

If you can't get enough of my content, consider finding me on my other websites. If you are interested in music, I write about it on Finding Flight Cases. If you like collecting books, I have started a secondhand online bookstore, Arcane Archives. I would love to help you find your next fantasy or science fiction read.